


Breathe out, breathe in

by aleclightnerd



Series: Malec Drabbles [8]
Category: The Mortal Instruments Series - Cassandra Clare
Genre: M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-06-16
Updated: 2015-06-16
Packaged: 2019-07-20 05:25:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,515
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/16130531
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/aleclightnerd/pseuds/aleclightnerd
Summary: Moving on is so hard, isn’t it? Alec and Magnus are both heartbroken after their breakup. swearing + alcohol + heartbreakSongs: American Oxygen - Rihanna / Rollercoaster - Bleachers





	Breathe out, breathe in

**MAGNUS:**

Eyebrows shaped to perfection. Lips painted with the newest lipstick. Eyelids covered in layer after layer of expensive eyeshadow. Nails so sharp that they could be used for murder. Magnus Bane was ready for whatever the world was about to give him.

**ALEC:**

Soft sweatshirt that still smelled like him. Black pants covered in cat hair and glitter. Phone with too many outgoing calls that had been purposely ignored. Pillows stained with salty water.

Alec Lightwood would never be ready to face the world without the warlock at his side.

**MAGNUS:**

The best way to move on was to pretend it never happened. To forget, to ignore. To close that chapter and move on without looking back. Forgetting was hard. Without using memory spells, unhealthy amounts of alcohol or violence, it was close to impossible. At least when  _his_  name was painted in big bright letters on your eyelids. When you saw a shade of blue and instantly thought of  _his_ eyes, staring into your own. When you caught a familiar scent and looked around, thinking that  _he_ would be there.

To be perfectly honest, Magnus was not in the mood of partying. However, he was in the mood for distractions and avoiding the subject of  _him_. A downworlder party seemed to be the perfect way to do exactly that. There were always interesting people there who could offer just as interesting activities. And, there was no way in hell he’d ever bump into a shadowhunter here, and the chances of meeting _him_  here was closer to the negative than to zero, really. Magnus Bane would do just fine. A couple of drinks and he wouldn’t even remember  _his_  name. That was how it always worked. Always.

**ALEC:**

Alec didn’t know how to move on. He had never been in a situation that required moving on before, and frankly, he thought it was unnecessary. He did not want to move on. He was getting Magnus back. He couldn’t just continue with his life as if he had never met Magnus. That would be impossible.

Because he had met Magnus. And Magnus had changed everything for him. It had felt like he had turned his world upside down, when he really just had shown him that he had been looking at it the wrong way the whole time. Somehow, that was more game changing than him turning it upside down.

He couldn’t ignore their movie nights at home. He couldn’t forget the meals they had shared while small talking or watching a tv-show of Magnus’s choice. He couldn’t stop thinking about Magnus’s lips, covered in lipgloss or lipstick that left marks on Alec’s skin. He couldn’t take back what had been done. And he wouldn’t, not for anything in the world. If the choice was to forget Magnus or forget the rest of the world, he would choose to forget the rest of the world. Because in all those years he had walked the earth among other people, he had never felt more safe, more at home than he had when Magnus’s had laid his eyes on him. A gaze from Magnus was worth more than anything else. He wouldn’t lose the memory of that. Never.

**MAGNUS:**

Alexander Gideon Lightwood.

Magnus had been drinking for an hour. He hadn’t counted the refills, but he had clearly had more than his body possible could handle. And still,  _his_  name was there. Like a poem he would whisper, a prayer he would chant, a cry for help. He hated this. He tried to say that he hated  _him_ , but that was a lie so untrue that he couldn’t bear to take the words on his tongue.

And he did not want words. What he wanted was those lips on his own again, those hands running through his hair. But he couldn’t have that.

He knew that Alec would be willing to give it to him. He had been calling him constantly. Call after call until his voicemail was filled with minute after minute of a blue eyed boy begging for forgiveness. Over and over again.

Magnus wanted Alec. But he could not be with him, because he was afraid that if he was, every breath would be filled with the feeling you get before you realise you are falling off a chair. Insecurity mixed with fear and confusion. He didn’t trust Alec anymore. How could he?

He didn’t remember why he was mad at him anymore. He just remembered his name, and his hands, and his lips against his skin. He remembered nothing but him, when he had tried to get the opposite result.

**ALEC:**

Magnus Bane.

Alec had been thinking of him for an hour. Probably longer, if you were to count every thought of that man that had passed through Alec’s head that day. But now he had been thinking of Magnus for an hour straight, without anything else on his mind. He had tried thinking of something to do for him to forgive him, but had ended up thinking about things that used to made him happy but now made him sad.

The feeling of Magnus’s long nails tracing his skin, the way those golden green eyes that had seen so much looked at him, as if he was something new. The way those lips whispered every secret Magnus had into Alec’s mouth on a language that Alec could not understand, but still felt so right. He had what felt like millions of years worth of pictures of Magnus in his mind. He could hear his voice, his laugh, even his breath in his head.

He dook a deep breath.

Magnus wasn’t here. Alec remembered why he wasn’t. Alec knew what he had done wrong. But he did not know how to fix it. He couldn’t go back and undo what he had already done. It was too late for that. But it seemed like that was the only way Magnus would even consider getting back together with him. Or even speaking to him.

Alec knew that he had messed up. And he knew that asking Magnus to forgive and forget might not work. But he thought that Magnus at least owed him a chance to explain, or at least just talk to him.

**MAGNUS:**

_I miss you I miss you I miss you…. did I mention that I miss you?_

Magnus wished that he was able to truthfully say that he was over Alec. But that would, apart from a few political scandals, be the biggest lie ever. Magnus wanted to believe that he somehow had reached the top of lies. Guinness world records, that stuff. That might earn you a diploma, or some shit. A sign that showed him that he had done something worth remembering.

After walking around the house for a while he noticed that the party seemed to be quite over. At least for his part. It had turned into group sex, or was on the edge of turning into that. And whatever he had told himself when the night still had been young, he really wasn’t in the mood for that. He would need more alcohol for that, because even though he had spent most of the night drinking, it wasn’t nearly enough. He walked out the door, breathed in the air of late night New York. The sweet taste of America, despair, and alcohol. The despair and alcohol probably was what he tasted like, not the air, but still.

Without a warning, his phone started buzzing in his pocket. Magnus took it up and looked at it for a second before flipping it open. It was a stupid choice. He just saw Alec’s name. And he realised that he wanted to talk to him. And he answered the phone call.

**ALEC:**

_I miss you I miss you I miss you… do you miss me?_

“Magnus?!” Alec said, not able to stop himself. He was surprised that he hadn’t reached voicemail this time. It was a miracle, actually. Magnus hadn’t answered any of his calls. And he had gotten plenty of chances of doing so. Alec had called him at least twice a day the last week, and at most times more than twice.

“Alec,” the sweet voice on the other end of the line answered. Magnus sounded a bit dreamy, as if he wasn’t fully there.

Alec felt his heart break a thousand times over when he heard Magnus’s empty voice. He wasn’t quite there, not fully realising what he was doing. Which probably was why he had answered the phone in the first place.

“Magnus,” Alec begun, feeling how easily the other man’s name came from his lips. “I’m sorry. I miss you. I want to fix this.”

He closed his eyes, waiting for Magnus to say something. Do something else than breathe. In and out. Alec recognized the rhythm his breath took. Breathe in (hearts break), breathe out (they heal badly), breathe in (they are vulnerable), breathe out (and should be handled with care).

“Believe me, Alec.” Breath. In, out. “I do, too.”

Beep, beep, beep.

Alec was left with silence. Magnus had hung up on him. But those beeps, however weird it sounded, felt like promises. Because Magnus had picked up. Alec wouldn’t let go. Not when Magnus had let him in, if only so for a minute.

**MAGNUS:**

Instead of walking, Magnus found himself grabbing a cab. It was probably for the best, it wouldn’t end well if he decided to walk back to his nest in Brooklyn. He had played with the thought of running back, because exercise was good and all, but had decided that his shoes would not support his feet for running.

Sitting in the cab, he could see the people moving outside. Traffic was slow, but not impossible as it could be. He could clearly see the lights flashing from other cars. He could spot the colors of the clothes the people on the sidewalk were wearing. He felt the wheels spinning, heard every turn the cab made until finally arriving outside his home, but he didn’t feel like he was there. When he payed the driver he accidentally gave him a high tip, but, whatever - he had the money. Walking up the stairs felt like climbing a mountain and of some reason he couldn’t get the image of Alec nervously stumble down the stairs out of his head. Opening his door and throwing himself on the couch made him think of all the times he and Alec had been there. Sitting, laying,  _doing stuff_ on the couch. On the floor, too. God, he really needed a new carpet. He felt a warm body walk over his back. Chairman Meow, his only loyal acquaintance. And even that bastard had liked Alec way too much. Magnus turned around on the couch, making the chairman meow in a very offended way. He wished that he never would talk to Alec ever again. He wouldn’t be strong enough to say no to him one more time. And he definitely wouldn’t be strong enough to go through this kind of heartbreak over again. And he knew, hell Chairman Meow and the rest of New York probably knew as well, that Alec Lightwood would break his heart again if he ever got close enough to do so. Not on purpose, Magnus did not believe that of Alec, but simply because it was in his nature to do so.

Just as it is some people’s nature to brace themselves from heartbreak, it was some people’s nature to shatter hearts wherever they went. The only way to protect yourself was to make sure you never let yourself be close to the heartbreaker. Which was hard, considering that the only thing Magnus wanted to do was to throw himself at Alec and beg him to kiss him. God, he was pathetic. Even Chairman Meow agreed on that.

**ALEC:**

He had waited for the call. He really had. He had given Magnus time - four days - to get his ass to the phone and call him back. That hadn’t happened. He was sick of waiting, for begging Magnus to forgive him. He would ask for one last chance and then he was done. But, in order to properly beg for one last chance, he would have to stand face to face to Magnus. That made it necessary for him to get out to Brooklyn. To walk up the same stairs he had fallen down after Magnus had kissed him one time. To knock on the door which he only weeks before had owned a key to. To face the man who now seemed to hate him, even though he earlier had told him that he loved him until there were no questions about it.

“You?”

That was what Magnus said when he opened the door. Not a hello, not a goodbye. Just a you?

“Magnus I-” Alec began, before being cut off by Magnus.

“I really don’t want to talk to you, Alec,” Magnus said, his eyes avoiding Alec’s face.

“Cool. I really want to talk to you, so I’ll talk. You can just listen.” Breath. In, out. Magnus was staring at him, probably wondering what had made him so direct. Alec wondered that as well.

“I love you,” he said, searching for words to continue with.

“That’s not- that’s not enough.” Magnus shook his head.

“You loved me! How can you just say.. say that it’s not enough?” Alec cried out.

“I don’t- I still love you.” Silence. Breath. In, out.

“Why don’t you give me another chance, then?” Alec asked, searching Magnus’s eyes for something. An answer, maybe. A sign that he would not be left behind. He wanted to see that he had a chance.

“Because I-”

**MAGNUS:**

“Because I-” Alec had taken every word out of Magnus’s mouth. He had no excuse, no explanation. His mind was blank, only one thing occupying his thoughts: Alec.

Alec, who was standing in front of him, looking nervous. Alec, who probably wondered if Magnus would ever forgive him when he already had. Alec, whose lips Magnus wanted to kiss so badly. He wondered how long he could resist kissing him. Not long, it turned out when he carefully took Alec’s face in his hands and kissed his lips softly.

There were no fireworks. No applause. No choir breaking out into song. But Magnus didn’t need those things to know that this was right. That this was how it was supposed to be.

“Come a little closer, Alec.”

.

Eyebrows shaped to perfection. Lips covered in smudged lipstick. Eyelids shut, hiding his golden green cat eyes from the world. Sharp nails that had left marks of love on another body. Magnus Bane would never be ready for a world without Alec Lightwood.

**ALEC:**

Soft sweatshirt lying on the floor. Black pants thrown over a sleeping Chairman Meow. Phone with missed calls from his siblings. Pillows stained with sweat and, as to say, other bodily fluids.

Alec Lightwood was as ready as he ever would be to face the world.


End file.
